


Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match

by ShippingEverything



Series: So You've Got Feelings: a comprehensive guide to dealing with high school, romance, and other life shit [5]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Gen, also now fae/faer norway is a thing in this verse???, genderfluid poland ahoy, i have returned from ap hell, mostly lovi-centric, not ship-centric at all im sorry, these things happen w/o my consent i promise they just /happen/, this is uber fun to write tbh, well i mean theyre just mentioned but poland isnt actually in this fic sry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-29 16:04:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3902353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingEverything/pseuds/ShippingEverything
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Mathias Kohler comes up to his table at lunch and yells, “Lovino, I need you to kiss me!”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Everything at his table is shocked into silence. There’s a sharp snap of a plastic utensil breaking. Anya starts giggling.</i>
</p><p>Or: How Lovino Vargas reluctantly became Himaruya High's favorite matchmaker</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. (one)

**Author's Note:**

> I am here from school hell and to get back in the writing swing of things, have a small series of drabbles about how Lovino fell/was pushed into his infamous matchmaker role

The shade is perfectly cool, the sky is blue, and the picnic blanket spread nearby is nearly the same color as the red that rings Chell's still watery eyes.

 _Is crying normal for break ups?_  Lovino wonders, mildly panicked. On TV they always showed the girl crying later, long after the guy was gone, so Lovino hadn't been prepared for Chell to burst into tears when he said 'we need to talk'.

"Look, it's honestly nothing against you, I just know that you'd be happier with someone else."

Chell glares up at Lovino, her anger surprisingly well focused for someone who was crying less than five minutes ago.

"Is this some kind of new version of the 'It's not you, it's me' speech? Because you don't have to let me down easy."

"No, hell no, seriously! Look, it's just that-" Lovino sighs. This is dumb; normal guys don't break up with their super cute girlfriends just because said girlfriend's best friend has a (painfully obvious) crush on her. This is the exact  _opposite_  of a romcom cliche. This is  _so dumb_.

And yet, here he is.

"You know your friend, Oz?" He asks, because he doesn't really know what he's doing and that's as good a place as any to start.

Chell's eyes spark with indignation and anger and  _there it is_ , the  _'Oz is_ really  _special to me'_  vibe is the other reason that Lovino couldn't keep dating her, not when he knew. "Are you breaking up with me because you're  _jealous_ of my-"

"Crush." Lovino cuts her off and finishes her sentence. Her eyes widen and her cheeks darken and she takes a breath, probably to deny it, so Lovino starts to talk again before she can. "Hand to God, bella, this is more 'you're into someone else and I'm not going to hold you back' than a pity break up, okay?"

Chell nods mutely, flushing ever darker. Lovino nods back, smiling at her. "For what it's worth, we can still be friends?"

For the first time in the conversation, Chell smiles. "I'd like that."

Lovino starts to walk away because that's it, he's done his good deed of the day, awakened Chell to her own feelings, it's over, right?

"A-And Lovino," Chell calls after him and his mind urges him to both  _Turn around, turn around and help her_  and  _Oh my god keep walking, please_. The latter side loses, but he doesn't completely turn around so the former side doesn't exactly win. Yet. "Do you think-"

"He likes you. Definitely. I could-" Lovino sighs inwardly, squeezing his eyes shut before giving in and turning back. "I could give you some suggestions for asking him out and dates? There are some places that I think he'd like. Or something."

Chell lights up like he just promised her the moon or some shit.  _I'll just stay for a second, get all my guilt out, and leave_ , he tells himself.

 

(They spend the rest of the afternoon munching on the picnic lunch that Chell had made and ironing out her confession plans. Lovino stays even after Chell gives him an easy way out. He doesn't want to think about what it implies.)


	2. (two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically i just really like lotte

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gwen shows up, lotte harasses lovino, and lovi falls deeper into it

"Well, if it isn't my _favorite_ Italian," A feminine voice purrs, a shadow falling over Lovino's desk. Lovino inwardly groans.

"Technically I'm American, Italian-American at the most," Lovino looks up at Lotte, taking in her 'innocent' smile and the box of (probably homemade, probably delicious) chocolates. "And whatever it is, the answer's no."

Lotte pouts, "But I haven't even asked you yet! Plus, I can help you out too! I can tell you things about Antonio."

"You think that's a selling point, but I don't feel any more compelled to help you." Lovino raises an unimpressed brow, despite the flush that has creeped up his neck. "And besides, Antonio and I are _friends_ , so I could ask him things myself if I wanted to."

"I just want to know if you can work your love magic for me!" She whines, and Lovino's heart stops.

"What."

Lotte glances at his now pallid face. "I was talking to Chelly and Alejandra and a few other girls that you dated, and they said that you helped them get together with their super-parfaite boyfriends, so I thought I'd give it a try. And I had thought you'd help, since I've known you since forever-"

"We met two summers ago."

"Which was _basically_ forever ago." She insists, "The point is, you didn't even offer to help me! Is it a dating thing, do I have to kiss you to be in the running for matchmaking? Because I mean, you're not my type, but I'll do it."

Lovino rolls his eyes. "It's not matchmaking, I was just pointing out that they'd be happier if they were with someone else."

"Well then, I want you to 'point out' that Vash Zwingli would be extremely happy with me. We're in the same home ec. class and I've been flirting with him all semester and Lily says he has a crush on me, so I need your help."

“I don’t talk to Vash Zwingli.”

And no, Lovino didn’t respond unnaturally quickly and he didn't pale at all, shut up.

“See, that’s what everyone keeps saying, but Vash is a sweetheart!”

“Lotte, he nearly stabbed me for even saying hi to his sister.”

Lotte waves her hand as if dispelling the words from the air, “He’s just protective. Surely you can understand that, Mr. Scare-away-anyone-who’s-ever- into-my-sister-ever.”

“That's _different_. And besides,” Lovino sighs, “I actually don’t even know him.”

Lotte pouts, like injured puppy level pouting, and Lovino’s about to say something when the scary looking girl who sits next to him speaks.

“I know Vash. I could… help?” She shrugs, “I just need one favor. From Lovino.”

He's shocked because he knows Guinevere Kirkland, they went to rich kid play dates together back before Italy, but she's been pointedly Not Talking to him all year. He recovers and says, “If it’s a car or something, I’m going to need at least three we-”

“I need you to promise me that you won’t match me. Ever.” Lovino blinks at her and she shrugs. “I have a feeling that this thing is going to blow up for you, and I don’t want to be caught in the blast. But I’ll keep you posted on the car thing.”

Lovino nods, sticking out his hand for a handshake. “Deal, I promise not to match you, Gwen.”

She glares, "It's Guinevere. If you call me 'Gwen', I'll start calling you 'Lovi'."

"Got it, Guinevere."

They shake and Lovino has the weirdest feeling, like this was some significant event. He brushes it off.

(Three days later Lovino is accosted by Lotte in first bell again, this time to be viciously thanked with chocolates and cheese and annoyingly bright red lipstick stains on his cheeks. He splits the spoils with Guinevere without prompting and she stops glaring at  and/or ignoring him all the time.

He vaguely wonders if this is how normal friendships are made.)


	3. (three)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i really really like poliet okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so for those who don't know, toris is lithuania, f is poland. genderfluid poland gives me life and lovi uses they/them pronouns and calls them "f" bc he cant see the gendersignifiing barrettes that poland wears in this 'verse (one day poland will get a fic in this verse. after the spamano stuff is resolved, we will see more poland. one day)

Toris looks up from his chromosome matching, gazes -- like _literally_ gazes, with heartfelt intent and everything, it's sickeningly cute -- at the ponytail of a certain genderfluid Polish student, and looks back down.

This pattern has been happening on and off for the last month and a half, the whole 'super secret wistful looks' thing, and Lovino can't stand it.

Not like, because Lovino's a homophobe or anything, because he definitely isn't. He's chill as fuck with gays; hell, he loves lgbt people.

In the most non-homo, totally straight way possible.

Right.

 _Anyway_ , the point is that Lovino can't stand this because the tension is literally killing him. Because it's not be enough that Toris keeps sighing over (Lovino glances at the Pole, but he can't see the gender-signifying barrettes. 'F' it is then) F, but F has done the exact same thing from the back of their English class all semester. It's infuriating and annoying and Lovino wishes someone would just push their idiot heads together and make them kiss already.

"Can you pass me the ruler?" Toris asks, shocking Lovino out of his thoughts."

Lovino passes him the tool and then -- completely accidentally, his mouth is working without his brain's consent because his mouth obviously hates the rest of him -- he says, "You know, if you asked them out, they'd definitely say yes."

Toris jolts, bumping the table and sending his carefully cut out DNA strands to the ground. "I- What?"

"Actually, they'd probably say 'Oh-em-gee, Tor, like, totally!' but that's neither here nor there," Lovino looks up after a few beats of silence and rolls his eyes at Toris' shocked face. "There's one person in this school who doesn't notice the way you look at F, and it's them. It's honestly kind of fitting, since you don't seem to notice how they look at you either."

"R-Really?"

Lovino gives him a pointed look.

Toris worries his lip and, even if he won't ever admit it, this is slowly becoming Lovino's favorite part of this -- the uncertainty and doubt becoming slowly replaced by the bright glow of hope, the way that he can almost feel him realizing what everyone else already knows. It's sappy and dumb, but it brings a flare of satisfaction to Lovino's chest.

"Do you really think they'd say yes?"

Lovino raises a single eyebrow. "Is the sky blue?"

Toris rubs his neck self consciously and they both go back to their work. It isn't until right before the bell that Toris turns back to him.

"Thank you, by the way. And, for what it's worth, I think yours would say yes too, if you asked."

"'My' _what_?" Lovino asks, a dark warning glare in place.

Toris raises his hands defensively, "Sorry, sorry, forget I said anything."

"Forgotten already," Lovino huffs as the bell ring and he gets up so he can hurry out of the classroom and through the halls to meet Antonio before next bell.

(The next week, he walks into English to F singing his praises, how he's "The best matchmaker _ever_ , oh my god you guys; without him, me and Tor would've been stumbling around each other for, like, ever."

Despite the warm and tingly job-well-done feeling, Lovino wonders how it came to someone calling what Lovino was doing matchmaking; he was just opening the eyes of people who were too dumb to see how in love they were by themselves.

 _And besides_ , he thinks, _I've only helped three couples. Three!_ )


	4. (four)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what do you mean "lydia you've never even mentioned hungary before in this universe"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ELIZAVETA IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME

"-Four, five, six, seven..."

Elizaveta Héderváry counts her lifts. Lovino is 'spotting' for her even though there's no way that he could be of any help if she accidentally dropped the bar because Lovino can barely bench the 50 pound bar, much less the bar plus the 50 pounds that she's added.

He feels incredibly impressed, horribly inadequate, and vaguely infatuated.

Teenage emotions are weird.

When she gets to twenty, she puts the bar down -- not because she can't do more, but because the gym teacher told her that she's not allowed to do more than 20 reps of any one exercise before she finishes one complete circuit.

"Thanks, Lovino," Elizaveta says, taking a sip of her water. Like seriously, one sip. She's not even sweating _at all_ after benching 100 pounds. What the  _hell_.

He notices that she seems to be waiting for a response and shrugs, "I didn't really do anything."

"Hm, you're right, you didn't," And what? That's a mood whiplash if Lovino's ever seen it. "So you should probably do something for me, to even out stuff since I already said thank you."

"What?"

"Word on the block is that you're fairly good at helping people with crushes."

"What."

"I need you to get Roderich to man up and ask me out, because it'll harm his fragile ego if I ask him out."

" _What?_ "

She shoots him a look, and it's even more intimidating because she's holding a 40 lbs medicine ball like it weighs nothing. "You're awfully repetitive, aren't you? You can help right? Lotte said you could."

 _God fucking damn it,_  Lovino thinks,  _Lotte is going to owe me so many favors_ _._  Lovino could just tell her that he can't do it and be done, but she's  _really strong_  and  _really scary_  so instead he says, "I mean, maybe? Give me a second."

Lovino grabs his phone and shoots a quick  _ **Need help, do you know piano potato?**_  to Guinevere. It's responded to with  _ **Don't call him that, and yes.**_

"Okay, I got it," Lovino turns back to Elizaveta and she looks almost creepily pleased, "What's the best way to approach him? Because like hell am I going up to him and saying 'hi, grow a pair and ask Elizaveta out, thanks'."

Elizaveta, surprisingly enough, laughs. "You used to play violin, right? Talk to him about music."

He nods and she continues to smile at him for the rest of class. It's slightly unnerving.

 

(The next day, she tells him that he can call her 'big sister' or 'Liz', and she starts grinning and waving in the halls, and she's suddenly  _really_ coddling and sweet and nice all the time, like "calling him adorable when the  _whole class_  can hear her" nice.

Lovino is mildly concerned, breathtakingly embarrassed, and sort of happy.

It's weird.)


	5. (five)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DENNOR IS ALSO V IMPORTANT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anya is fem russia, mathias is denmark, lukas is norway, blah blah blah

It’s been awhile since someone asked him for “matchmaking” favors, so Lovino thinks anyone would forgive him for freaking out when Mathias Kohler comes up to his table at lunch and yells, “Lovino, I need you to kiss me!”

Everything at his table is shocked into silence. There’s a sharp snap of a plastic utensil breaking. Anya starts giggling.

“What?” And no, Lovino’s voice does not crack, shut up. “Why would you- I- How did- _What?_ ”

Mathias begins bouncing excitedly, “I was talking to Anya and she said that you matched people who you've dated. Kissing is basically like dating, right? So that’s why I need you to kiss me.”

Lovino turns around to glare at Anya because what the _fuck_. Her sunny smile is more terrifying than he could ever hope his glare would be. He turns back around.

“You don't need to kiss Lovi,” Antonio says and hey, Lovino had forgotten that he was there. He’s holding half of a fork in his hand. “I'm sure you're making him uncomfortable, please leave and never speak to Lovi _ever again_.”  

“Whoa dude, chill, I'm not trying to take your-” Mathias looks at a spot a bit behind Lovino. Lovino glances back and only sees Dmitri and Chun-yan smiling. “Your friend. I'm not trying to take your _friend_ , was what I was going to say and is all I'll ever say. _Anyway_ , I don't even care about the kiss, I just want you to work your cool love magic on me!”

“It’s _not_ magic, Jesus fucking Christ, who keeps spreading that around? And why do you need to get…” Lovino is reluctant to use the word. He still doesn't think what he’s doing is matchmaking. He’s seen enough bad romcoms and he’s memorized enough of Hitch to know that what he’s doing definitely isn't conventional matchmaking. “ _Matched_ anyway? Aren't you dating Lu-” He wants to say Lucia, but he’s pretty sure that they're using a different name these days.

“Lukas.” Mathias flawlessly finishes, like this is a normal occurrence. “But hey, you thought we were dating? Dude, you're the best; if people think we're dating, then there’s a huge chance that _fae_ think we're dating too! Man, thanks for opening my eyes, or else fae probably would've been _pissed_.”

And he’s off in the same way he arrived -- quickly and loudly.

Lovino isn’t exactly sure what just happened.

After a moment of silence, he stands to go get Antonio a new fork. He hopes that Lukas and Mathias are happy.

(They are.

Lukas is, surprisingly enough, the one that actually credits Lovino with getting them together (Mathias likes to tell people that it was all him. No one believes him) and fae give Lovino a bunch of magic-themed books that Lovino immediately shares with Guinevere (even if she says that she’s not into that stuff anymore, because he _knows_ that she still doodles Flying Mint Bunny on her notes). Mathias Kohler has a big mouth though, and the stories begin to spread even faster than before, faster than even the juiciest gossip. “Lovino is a pro matchmaker!” the students say, and more and more people come ask him for matchmaking help. Lovino only turns away those with completely lost cases. He doesn't  like to think about what this implies about him and his compassionate streak.

  
He _is_ happier these days, despite it all.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: norway who uses masculine/fae pronouns is my fave norway
> 
> one day ill write a gsa mini-fic where all the queer characters get to make proper appearances

**Author's Note:**

> The tumblr tag is "fic: sygf", @nerdyfanchick if you want to hmu on twitter, etc, etc
> 
> [Tumblr!](http://www.nacreousglowclouds.tumblr.com), [Twitter!](http://twitter.com/nerdyfanchick), [FF.net!](fanfiction.net/~nerdyfanchick)


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